I was quite nervous to meet Kevin's kids. They are super sweet though. I was even more nervous to get all four kids together. And four girls! At the time, the kids were 13, 12, 10 and 6. We decided to take them bowling. It went great. It was very fun; everyone hit it off. I relaxed a bit. BIG MISTAKE.
As time went on, and the kids got together more often, the conflicts started. Really, I took them way too seriously at the time. I became more comfortable with the bickering when I realized I had to lower my expectations. They are kids. I read a couple of books on blending families and was thankful when I realized having them all four of them, all together only every other weekend was a blessing! Some blended families are together 24/7. ACK. They have my sympathy, respect and best wishes. The big lesson learned? Kevin and I have to be on the same page. Thankfully, we have similar ideas on discipline, rules and consistency. There is no undermining or changing the rules ! Kevin and I always have each other's back. No matter what the issue.
For those of you in this situation, the book "Living in a Step-family Without Getting Stepped On" was a great resource. It talks a great deal about birth order. My girls, 13 and 10. Kevin's girls 12, and 6. Mix those numbers together, Hannah becomes the first born, Dominique the second born (when she was used to the role of the 'oldest'), Mariah the third born (when her original birth place was 'the baby') and Emma was fourth born. What the book described and what was playing out was the oldest will clash with the next oldest or who had the same birth order. Same for the 'babies' or last borns; they will conflict. And conflict there was!! The other issue was that when Kevin's kids visited, there was no room for them; they had to share Mariah's space, and Mariah went to Hannah's room. DID NOT WORK. Give each set of kids their own space (even if they have to share). We renovated my future office, into a bedroom for Kevin's kids. to share when they visit on weekends. It improved things SO much when it was done.
The other issue arising with my kids was the anger! It didn't come out until a few months later, but Hannah was angry with me for changing her life so drastically. She wasn't used to me and Kevin being together. It was very hard for her. I took it very personally at first. Let me tell ya, a little professional therapy goes a long way. Its no shame to go see someone to get some advice. And get your kids someone to talk to if they need it. That can go a long way. Over a bit of time, that anger subsided, and my kids see their father and I working together to get them to gymnastics, to attend swim meets and to work on parenting issues. Not too many people can say they get along better with their ex after the divorce. But we do. And thank goodness for that.
Tips for this post: lower your expectations, expect conflict, work with your partner and keep a good supply of red wine in your wine cellar! ;)
